Humor

Let’s Have a Laugh

Church Signs

  • Free Trip to heaven. Details inside! 
  • Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins. 
  • Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here! 
  • Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one! 
  • Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday. 
  • Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world. 
  • If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

Church Bloopers

  • Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
  • The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 
  • Evening massage – 6 p.m. 
  • The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 
  • The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 
  • Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. 
  • The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 
  • For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
  • During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 
  • Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

A Couple Jokes

The Scratched Coffin

In 18th century England they started running out of places to bury people.  Consequently, people would dig up coffins and take the bones to a ‘bone-house’ and reuse the grave.  When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they clergy decreed that they should tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the ‘graveyard shift’) to listen for the bell.
Thus, someone could be ‘saved by the bell’ or perhaps they could be considered a ‘dead ringer.’
 

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. ‘What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!’, he said to himself. 
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. 
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: ‘Oh my God!…’
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:
‘You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?’
The atheist looked directly into the light.
‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?’
‘Very well, ‘said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: ‘Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.’